I wonder if you’ve noticed the birthmark on my thigh.
How to be: You have to be something. Our atoms are intertwined to create who we are. Skin, veins and poems that are beautiful. We are suppose to unravel one another until we find something wonderful about ourselves. Please read as many poems you need to and tear as much skin as needed until you do not feel as if you are just skin and bones.
I. I’m terrified of what we are, what we might become, what will happen if things don’t work out. I am completely aware of my feelings for you and your feelings towards me, but I do not know what I want. I want you, but I don’t, or I can’t or won’t allow myself to give into something that is inevitable. I’m so confused, but I am okay with this, whatever “this” is. It’s you I am worried about. If I keep you waiting for so long will you get tired of me? Move on? I am honestly surprised you haven’t gotten fed up and left yet. I know it is unfair, selfish even, for me to do this to you, but I don’t know what to do.What do you want? That’s a stupid question because I know what you want, but I don’t know if I can handle declining. Right now I don’t feel ready. When will I ever be ready? It seems like it has been an eternity of endless waiting on your part, but I just am not comfortable enough yet or maybe I haven’t fully forgiven you. I am terrified of round two. The first time it ended in a mess. The many nights of pouring my soul into pillows in the form of tears still haunts me, on rainy days.
II. I miss you. I miss us. I miss how you made me feel like the most beautiful girl that ever existed. To you I was. I think about you now and again : when I sit down in the shower, when I catch the scent of cigarettes, when I think of Luna Sinclaire, when I listen to Blu, and even when I think about taking a nap. It’s not like I think about you on a daily basis, just ever so often, although my heart stings a little whenever I hear John Meyer or Coldplay. I haven’t seen you in the longest time. I haven’t had a decent conversation with you on the other line for what seems like centuries. When I feel alone. I think of you and how whole I felt. How complete everything seemed. I love you of course, but time has ran its course and it’s not the same kind of love. Not the angst filled intensified love, but the love that is diluted, constant, but still strong. I just miss you and your smile and the way you used to trace my back.
III.Things moved so fast, too fast, too soon, wrong timing, wrong everything, but I regret nothing. Nothing but knowing where this was going to end up and allowing it to happen anyways. You were hurt. I know, and I am so sorry. Deeply,terribly sorry. I was scared. I was falling,maybe “falling”, too quickly, and I caught myself before things got reckless, before things got more messy than it already was, but besides that, you are one of the sweetest souls to have ever walked this earth. You were always there, and you are still here, day or night, no matter the time. I owe you so much. I don’t know if you are aware of how much you have helped me. I don’t think I could ever thank you enough, but thank you anyways. I miss the certain things we did sometimes, but I could not be any happier for you. For moving on. For finding someone who was willing to invest their whole heart and time to you. I’m sorry I couldn’t be that person, but I am certain it was better that way.
& at this moment all of our prior plans seem like nothing but blueprints to what could have been